Expiration date

You ever try to prolong the expiration date on a food product, lets say apples. You may try to put the apples in the 'fridge so they won't spoil. But have you experienced, when you try so hard to preserve these apples they still spoil , and may even spoil faster than normal. So it is true you can not manipulate certain things, experiences, events. I have said time and time again, I will not try to preserve these apple more than nature itself, but I fall in the trap, with the force of blind dependency blowing the wind under my wings. It is interesting how the human mind works. Interesting in deed, well how my mind works. As I shift away from having something I want, I try to have it more, even though, I am losing it. It is like wanting the shoreline while sailing away. Like wanting apples when they are past their expiration date.

Peace
Ashley

May I have my moment "the give-in" and more

It has been awhile. Summer came and went similar in a way to last summer; same scenarios with different actors. I must catch myself sometimes--- I give supremacy to others and forget the importance of me. Even at moments that I could be irate, disgusted, or offended, I still extract the guilt out of the situation to believe it is my fault. Why? I think it is easier to blame yourself (the only person you truly have control over) than to be disappointed and bestow the blame on others (even if, rightfully so).

Am I too nice ? A push-over of some sort? Should I nag and blast others with offenses? Yes, that sounds like a plan. It seems that those who do so seem to have a slight edge in the respect category. Hmmmmmm... sounds like a good thought.

Right now, I have like 1000 thoughts going through my head and 1000 more emotions attached to each thought. I know what I want. When I say that, I mean, I know what I want for everything! In a relationship, career,  and life in general. The feat is actually getting all that I want. Luckily, I understand this early and don't let the norm prescribe what I should do. If I did, I would be in a dead relationship with a guy I meet when I was sixteen, at a mid-size CPA firm making an okay salary ( about 68k), and be in the worst mood 24/7. I rather do it my way than the easy way.

Overall, stress for no reason is really messing with.... 5 month until I leave and looking forward to the change ( I pray for a change)

BTW I was hit by a car like a week ago... an update on that after I meet with my lawyer

Peace

Ashley

Ummmmm blank thoughtS

You ever wonder about your decisions you have made, not in a regertful manner, but in the manner which you try to recreate the moving emotions and reasoning behind the decision(s). There are a few decisions I have made that I wonder "how did (or what made) this begin?" why do I ask myself this, because if I can't explain it to myself , how can I explain it to others (remember my first post, my life is an open book). So I am left with blank thoughts, kinda like blank pages, knowing they should be filled, but not knowing to fill them with.

Peace.
Ashley.

Address the Haters

For all those who thought this was a rant about how people are "hatin on me" you were wrong. This note is to address the people who address the "haters" (i.e anyone who references the song "Hi Haters" or says "I need the haters to hate"). If you always have the sense someone is "hating on you" , even if in the classic sense...who cares! Be what you are about and keep it moving. If you have the motivation to always address the "haters", you need them more than they need you. By objectivism standards, you are a second-rater or second-hander. It is good to have a ego, but let it be based on what you have achieved or can do well, than be based on the shallow belief that someone else wants to be you or is crtical of your lifestyle. Be selfish based on you are being the best person you can be, and not selfless based on worrying about the people worrying about you.PeaceAshley.

Secret Obsession

That one person, no matter how many years past or horrid events occured, that one person just subsist. Subsit, the larking of thier scent in the air around makes you remember or hearing a voice similar makes you recall. When you remember or recall...you zone out to the highlights of the relationship. Most try to drown these thoughts out by saying negative things about the person, but you know if he or she calls you to invite you, you would accept with zeal. How do you get over it...find a new secret obsession. ;)

Peace.
Ashley

These are confusing times...

I am getting my life back on track, far as, the activity and fitness level via the vechile of charity race that are in the surplus during the summer months. The summer, the time for the summer fling or summer romance whichever way you want to word it. There are alot thing that are swirling in this little brain of mine. Going to the Army, my sister is going to college, my dad won't talk to me, trying to stay afloat financially, and wanting to be loved and give love.

If you remember, after my trip to Trinidad, I spoke alot of about how I found the perfect person to be with, but the issue that ,us being together is stopped by a large scope of land and water. Plus, I don't know if he feels that same way. For real, I touch this dude and it was like a life force shot through my body, I never felt that before. I just hope, if I can't be with him that he finds a nice girl to be with , to treat him right.

What's wrong and what's right. Ideals and your beliefs, seem like that they should be black and white, clear cut...but sometime there are not. I am in the process of overhauling my ideal that would rule the domain of my morals and values. I want to be consistent, that is important, to be consistent. Talking the talk, and walking the walk that you just talked about.

I am really just spitting out random bit and pieces. I am just trying to iron everything out.


Peace
Ashley

Aids 5k

Hey, it has been awhile. Craziness has Bern going on in my life, but things are starting to settle. Today, well a few moments ago, I ran a 5k race for aids and cancer research. This meant alot to me since I just found out that someone who means alot to me has the HIV virus. I am going to be truthful I really didn't train for this race, I was depending on the motivating factor of my close friend, which did help, but I should of trained. I am running again next week in boston. I will train this week!

Peace.
Ashley.

This is what it was, not is

For times are strange--
Remain unchanged.
Sameness is incurable--
Infectious is comfort--
Destorying creavity.
Made me leave for good--
Top, roof , hood--
I took off--
For all those not scare to not to conform.
I shoot down all things that brought ills and sickness--
Educate those who think gun play is cool--
Use discouragement as a tool.
The mircales of self expession
Relieves affects of all words that end in -ism, ignorance, and depression- both types
My thoughts really just suit me
Fit real nice
For tonight and forever
Why can we live soul and mind together?
Why be mindless?
Timeless is the thinking of a young man
Timeless is the protest, the platform, the jumping off point of a revolution
Check the history books
Not 100% accurate
But what is
This is by bloodline I give
This is what it was, not is

Make racism, HIV , and ignorance only something we read about, not an exeperience of reality

Peace.
Ashley

The day when New York is warmer than los angles

It is Saturday, the day after the best concert experience at st johns and overall: lupe and NERD. I rocked out heavy... Got to meet pharrell ... Was backstage and stuff. Today I was semi productive, get groceries, did laundry, went for a run...
Center of attention was placed on, me having my first feelings of doubt about going to the army. I would so badly love to be around music as my profession by some means, and thus I question my reasons for wanting to go to the army . Then I think about my need to leave and this is my vehicle, my vessal. Eventhough, I just heard back from the south Korea job last week. I just have to work though the shadow of doubt and use this vehicle to get to where I need to be. Where is that ? The establishment of freedom in my life: a wonderful place

Peace before all,
Ashley

>50%: the struggle to never be hurt or lose in the dating game

I do still believe in my doctrine that proffer in the "economics of relationship" but there are unsysmtemic risks ( business reference) in the dating world. Protecting yourself from these risks should never be done in vain. Well, despise the fact that most relationships don't get off the ground because of communication issues. Which is a problem for me. I believe I express my intention up front and invite that other person into my world , as try to be invited into theirs. But, if time after time things fall thru even when they are foolproof, than what can a girl help but not be disencouraged. So, as a rule of thumb I try not to give more than 50% in a dating situation. Make sense? Who know...

Peace before all,
Ashley.

A nice spring day with monk and miles

I have been away for a while... Over month. Why? I had alot of stuff to think about... And I thought! Thought my way into the army, yes , the US army. I know the war thing is popping off , but I defintely feeling this one of those decisions I am glad that I made when I look back on it.
Also, I glad I took time to think because I was becoming a bitter and angry person, someone I didn't want to be, ever. It is true that I don't have alot of this I want but I have everything I need.
This part of my life , the next 5-8 years, will be interesting and trying ... But I am ready , to get away.

Peace.
Ashley.

Up and Coming Superstar

Bitterness

I am waiting for the bus as usual it is not on schedule.

But that is not today's topic. The topic of choice is whether or not my opinion on the ills of American culture make someone who sounds bitter or into a " hater." Well I guess it is how you view the whole situation. If the "ills" of culture bring you comfort than I am a hater. If not, I make complete sense. I think bitterness comes with time , which I am not concerned with.

On another note:
My little sister got accepted to university of Hartford and got a scholarship. Congrats, Shelby! Love you !

I got it ( friendship? Revisited)

Have you ever wondered why you were friends with some people:Polar opposite, they get on your nervous, act up in public, or are the manifestation of something you secretly despise, but they are still someone you socialize with, even in the presents of "abuse", being ignored until needed, and wastefulness.

My case is the last option: the manifestation of something that I secretly despise. As you should know, since I am more forward with my opinion, I am personally warring against the image of the "diva" and all the trippings, but I socialize with many individuals that would be considered divas. Am I trying to destroy myself by dragging myself through the mudd of self-hate? No!! I think, I am trying to be fair, and try to understand the logic of the "diva." Problem is the diva usual-ness of pomp and circumstance deters the development of my understanding as the objectivist that I am. I can be wrong , my rationale and lifestyle, and the diva's means of living could be right, the lavishness and gloss ( Shine, baby girl, shine, but like too much Sun you can get burned)

I think about my " friends" and I am entertained by the pure sense that I go out of my way to be the complete opposite. I remember when I was in middle school and diva- ish friend give me all these recommendations in order to help me get a boyfriend. I keep my dress , hair, and mannerism the same, and got a boyfriend way before she did. It is funny!

I feel bad for socialize for the purpose of experimentation( not my sole purpose but one of the many), but how else would I be able to understand.

From business prospective , these diva type send lots of money, I need tap that market; markup handbag, overpriced shoes, maybe even super expensive underwear... But I am serious ... I can despise something , but the good in it all is making money.

I am being a hater? No, not at all. See, the individuals are fine, it is the symbol of the image of the diva that accepts being called a bitch and the wastefulness that is attached to my generation ( and the generation x'ers too ). Invest . Don't stop at being a hundred thousand-aire( why stop at good job); shoot to live off residual income , that is my goal :).

But I say all of this... To validate the energy use in socializing or wanting to socialize with some... This blog was really to work this concept around in my head; I think it make sense :).

So, if I told you to read this, what you think?

Peace.
Ashley

My Childhood

The many things I thought was possible , in my younger years


Until age 5 or so, I thought my mother could fly

At the age of 11, I was a self-proclaimed communist that want to take over the USA, Mexcio , ans Canada and form one supercountry named ASTAR

At age 8, I thought I could find Native American artifacts... in my backyard

At ages 6 -9, thought being a mad scientist was a good career choice

At age 7, I conducted several experiments with random household products

TBC....

Peace.
Ashley.

Breaking my Texting Addiction

So, I was looking at my phone bill from last month and I texted close to 7000 times. I don't know if that is lot to most, but it seems like alot to me. It really doesn't matter because: one, I don't pay my phone bill, and two, I have unlimted texting. I still feel like I am alittle out of hand (Brit Spears of the texting world lol). So, I didn't text all morning: My first text wasn't unitl 1:18pm to my little sister. Usually, I text almost all my contacts "Good Morning", and a few of those morning texts are customized for "special people" ;). I am working on it. It is really not a big deal; I probably have bigger things to worry about, and I do, but this is something to take up time. Wish me luck, I guess.

Peace.
Ashley.

No Diva---But I Do Hustle

So here I go... it seems I have been a bit testy lately, and I know why. Objective Hate (there is a difference from regular hate).
So, I was listening to the Beyonce album and the song "Diva" began to play, this was prior to it being released as a single, and I was feeling the beat (produced by the same dudes that made "A Milli" by Lil Wayne). The songwriting on this song wasn't just horrid but false. When did a diva become the female version of a hustler? A diva is a diva, and a hustler is a hustler (female or male). Divas plays a particular role in the social scene: prissy, high maintenance, have high standard for the guys they choice to date (which actually good to a point), wear make-up to a 7:35 class and to the gym (most, not all), the image of having money is more important than actually having it (lease on a benz doesn't work...like HOVA said" own the whole like you should"), and a majority have a forced or fake attitude/temper problem (some b*tches are just plain crazy no matter what).

Let's discuss the last point, the forced or fake attitude/temper problem. I have dealt with "divas" all my life, I lived with one for 16 years (my lil sister). As I get older, this diva thing is getting out of hand. My main blame is Beyonce, Kimora Lee/ Baby Phat, and all the evil forces that made it cool to be an out of control, raving high maintenance "b*tch". Anywho, I say that the whole attitude part is forced or fake because once you are labeled or you proclaim to be a diva than one must maintain a certain level of diva-dom to keep the title of a DIVA...lol
I have seen too many fights and lost friendships because some diva-type "doesn't need [nobody] to help her, she done everything for herself, and that's that"

SMH A shame it is. This Diva epidemic is serious… young girls are being infected earlier and earlier…lol.

I am not saying someone who is a Diva can’t hustle (they do, small percentage,lmao), that is not true, but my qualm is inferring that you have to be a diva to hustle. NOT TRUE. See me …no diva; whole lot of hustling going on…

Anyway I can write forever, so I will stop now before I start saying things that offend people ( more so than I do on the usual, naw mean)


Peace.
Ashley.

Random thinking at its best

85% or more of what we do , is for the purpose of someone else ( either to impress, get attention from , or to prove a point to). That means 15% of the time our actions are for the purpose of ourselves. Since we only use 10% of our brain, there is a 5% chance we are completely brainwashed... Think about it.

If it is true, you see what you get and you are what you eat, than do most view others as meals to be done with after there is no nutrients left... Leeches!

If you are misunderstood, is it bad to try to understand the misunderstanding that led to you being misunderstood , or is it all done in vain? Case by case situation!

Image protection is important, an intergal part of the "looking glass". Google it!

To be continued...

movie life

Have you ever had the chance to run across someone who seems to fill roles by casting friends? Like, you see individual move in and out of their life, but the same type of people are still around them.
For example, you have a friend that has one close friend with marital problems, a airhead friend that happens to be white, a friend from high school that was kept around just because, and mystery friend ( a friend that really has no connection, but is a friend for some rhyme or reason)
Well, your example might not be exactly the same , and it should not be, but I can bet that you know at least one person like this. My thinking is that is not done consciously, but is the manifestation of the person's issues ( control, self-esteem, and narcissism). They move one person out of a designated role only to fill it in a short time with another person with similar affects and temperament.

It is kind of interesting to observe, espeically when it is done more than once over. Just my observations.

Peace before all,
Ashley.

Second Blog

ashley.nyctruth.com
Reviews of local NYC hot spots and eateries
Starting this week

Ummm sooo....

Sometimes I get the feeling I should only associate myself with those who are uplifted by music and/or want to start the revolution ( against all thing that bring sickness and subjective hate into the world). Unwaveringly, I still associate with those who are not in the aforementioned group. Why? Who knows! I can be honest, my mind is not always focus on the revolution. Sometimes, I just want to go party and get wasted (even though I haven't in a long time--month and half or so). My qualms in associating, befriending, or even just hanging around those not thinking about the possibility of all out warfare on the ills of modern culture, is the letdown. Commonly, I have extreme faith in my fellow human brothers and sisters (non-race specific), but I am disappointed time after time. The main reason partly is to be blamed on myself, but also, the commonplace of lying is a contributor to my disappointment.



I have two specific examples:



Firstly, one that is my fault. I had a friend, which time spent was great fun, but our great fun was ended by acts that were out of my usual docile nature. Sadly, this friend's birthday celebration is this coming week, and I won't be able to take part in the festivities. Though, I was under the impression that we were making great strides to reconcile, my sarcasm takes hold , and than again, the cycle. Best Wishes and Happy Birthday,ay! (I guess this would be a shout out of some sort...don't most say"where's Brooklyn at? in a shout out...lol).



Secondly, the lies that lead to me ending another friendship. With me, you should know that I believe "lies are bombs", and that I rather the string of truth than the destruction of a lie. Well, the great letdown was I really trusted this person, and I found out that my bequeath of trust was in vain. I do follow the guideline of the Economics of Relationship, far as, he steps provided by the Bankruptcy code of relationship. I will , in time, reorganization the relationship, but I am "tight as a mug," and would probably have to not communicate with this brother from some time. Educated, good conversation, bright future, but I was still letdown by the lack of honesty and dignity of this brother . SMH





All and all, I will continue to be disappointed time after time. I just hope, I am not the source of disappointment for other, and if I am, I hope someone would tell me.

Plague: Human Population as Recession: Business Population

As I see more and more business closing up shop, I realize that recession might be a source of a good thing. Plagues are horrible event that destroy large percentages of the human population. The positive result of a plague is the percentage that survives is product of the integral part of the evolution theorem, “survival of the fittest”, thus making the human race more fit for advancement in the progression of evolution. Do economic recessions play the same role as plagues? I believe so, as long as the recession is induced by a mechanism of the market, and not the product of fraudulences of human greed. Recessions weed out businesses with poorly structured business plans and raged operations. We will have to see if the current recession will produce a stronger market for the future.


Peace before all,
Ashley.

Ashley Sounds Off: Why Lie

I haven't been blogging regularly, not due to a busy schedule , but the bull crap that has been thrown my way in a more frequent manner. Thus, the title of this blog...Ashley Sounds Off. I am very hard person to get angry, but I am enraged. So, let's begin!


Why Lie (Lies are Bombs)
My interaction with the lesser sex (males) have been very distant; I really don't let my guard down. I have many male friends, and I see how they treat the females (including their own mother) in their life. The guys I have dated complain, saying I am too detached and such, but it is my way of protect what I love most, my pride and dignity. This week, my protective force field was compromised (not breach because the occurrence was not that big of a deal). I discovered that a friend, in which I dated in the past, lied to me several times. You may say, who doesn't lie? No only did he lie about having a girlfriend currently, but he had a girlfriend during the time we were dating. This story is very strange because the way I found out. The thing is he could of just told the truth and I won't even care. I would have respected him a tad bit more than I do now. As a result of this event, I can finally see why girls that have boyfriends are so crazy and paranoid. It really goes back to what I say in the Economics of Relationship... you can only sell you marketable product to a "selective and educated buyer" and if you don't it is just a waste. My qualms are rooted in the fact I wasted time that I can't get back. I could of used those hours for something more productive, like work or blogging:).


Peace before all,
Ashley.

The Economics of Relationship: how to get over an ex( Part VI )

The aftermath of Valentine's Day ( btw one of my favorite days). Many people celebrated yesterday like the joyous occasion it is, but many didn't. Why? Because many are harden and bitter from a recent relationship that failed.

The US Code provides an outline for individuals and businesses that become insolvent in the Bankruptcy Code (Title 11) of Chapter 7 (Chapter 13 for reorganization). This particular bit of law dictates the liquidating process of all assets and liabilities. Why do they need to file for bankruptcy, because their financial budgeting failed, as do relationships.

My Bankruptcy Code for relationship is not as detailed as the one provide by the government, it only has five steps.

• Valuation Test ( Pros/Cons of the Relationship[past or current])

If the Cons outweigh the Pros you have successfully identified and assessed your situation properly and can move on to step #2

• Interim trustee

This is some one that you usually won't date, or always want to date, or someone who is just alot of fun to be around. It might seem like you are using this person, but everyone has to serve a purpose,right. I recommend you go do something that your ex or person you are trying to forget would never let you do. If you always want to go ice skating or go to the movies or skydive---go ahead and just do it. You will experience the freedom of not being restricted --- enjoy that feeling, it is important for the next step.

• Slight Restitution

Now since this person is not in your life, you will have to get use to not having certain conveniences ( remember those Pros you listed in Step #1). Maybe he washed your laundry or she always cooked dinner for you...now since you have started this process you will have to do your own laundry and cook for yourself. Just remember the freedom felt during Step #2

• Liquidation

Finally, you have progressed to the point where you can start dissolving the entity that was a failed and stressful relationship and move towards something new. Remember the main principle of the Economics of Relationships (Part I): that all relationships thrive on the supply and demand of the marketable product offered by each party. If you are at the point of Liquidation, the demand for your marketable product has decline or even worse, gone to zero. Not to waste time or any other resource you MUST withdraw your product from this market (the relationship). How? Temporary cutoff of all contact (explained in Step #5) no phone conversation, texts, facebook,etc. Also channel all the energy you would have used in the relationship into something else...school, work, exercise...

• Reorganization

This code of relationship bankruptcy is so you, yes you, don't end up bitter and all strung out. So after you have liquidated properly, you can now reorganize you social interaction with this person with strict guideline defined by you. If you feel that you are falling back into the cycle , start the relationship bankruptcy process over, and spend more time on each step.

Peace before all,

Ashley

Random Things about Ashley

1. I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
2. I cried during Rocky 1&2 but not during th Notebook
3.Willy Wonka is one of my fav movies
4. I play the flute (for 14 yrs, now)
5. I follows Ayn Rand's views of Objectivism
6. I like taxes
7.I didn't drink alcohol until i turned 21
8.I have two piercings and three tattoos
9.I have skydived before
10.My V-card expired the third year I was in college
11. For the first time in my life , I really like someone ;)
12. I don't like mashed potatoes, or beef
13. Dairy gives me gas
14.I love to blog (scatterthoughtsofashley.blogspot.com)
15.I hate zionist, student loans, and people who try to take up two seats on the bus
16.My Dad has facebook and it really doesn't bother me too much
17.Is just a "plain ol' black" girl, no other influence (no, I don't claim that I am native american")
18. Is okay with gay marriage, and regular marraige as long as it doesn't end in divorce
19.I love watching infomericals
20.Goes to the movies by myself ,and doesn't really care
21.Tried to learn Chinese, but failed horribly
22.Has held two jobs for the last four years
23. Had a blast during her first trip to trinidad (thanks Khrys)
24.Wishes her and her lil sister were closer
25.Does parkour and freerunning
-----------
Bonus Round
26. Gets annoyed when people don't use their inside voice, inside
27. Avg. about 3 to 4 hours of sleep
28. I can run really far distances (10to15 miles or so)
29.Loves the lil goldfish shaped crackers
30.Is getting locks in the near future
31.Is going to write a book
32. Applied to a job in South Korea and Los Angeles
33.Believes in aliens ( they have to exist)
34.Wants to learn how to surf, really well
35.Thinks King of Queens is the funniest show
36. I have never been skiing or snowboarding
37. want to go to the amazon rainforest and try to live there for one week on some survivor type stuff
38. believes all drugs should be legalize drugs (because everyone should make their own choice to ruin their life)
39.Think Abe Lincon was actually black
40.loves the M&M store...it is magical

Gun jumped... Same cycle

We all heard of the sayings, "too good, to be true", which is usually followed by " I will believe it, when I see it." And I am finding out these sayings speak volumes. Maybe, in your mind it might not be serious, but I suffer from the chronic disease of " getting my hopes up." Almost everytime( until recently, it used to be everytime), I get a feeling that someone will be an asset or sometype of contingency to my life , and they end up becoming a liability. I am to blame , I assume, over analyze, trust easily,etc. But luckily, so far I have "one" that has been the exception to the rule. Commonly , I have been disappointed, across the board.

Peace before all,
Ashley

Always one minute away from messing up my life , and thus... The struggle

Today, January 28,2009
Ashley Eden Meadows is offically destroying her, once set, life bit by bit. I am losing focus and being reckless ( in my context is different than the norm ). I need help? Yes. Will I ask for or allow someone to help me? No. Eventhough, I may complain about the struggle vividly, there is more joy in summiting the hill after the uphill battle when it done with your own strength. The struggle... for me, is at a all-time high. No breakdown, meltdown, or anything with the word down included. It is the mindframe that wins the battle. The thought that why complain now, it could be worse! And worse , it could be. A minute away, sometime several minutes away from throwing it all away. It is scary, but thrilling in the same sense. Risks and mistakes make life , life; they create interesting stories and experiences. Damn, but it still sucks. Wish me the best!

Peace before all,
Ashley.

Ashley's Talk...The Vernacular that is, oh so, Spectacular

I will fox with it-- I will deal with it or mess with or assoicate myself with it in some matter

It is a groove-- it is real smooth

The struggle-- life

You slacking-- you are not up to par

Bump That-- forget that or f*%k that

Bumping That-- playing music at a elevated level

It is was, what it is-- use as a suffix to things that you can't really explain


Peace before all,

Ashley.

What if... The conspiracies

What if...
Osama is not real, but a robot
2012 is really the end of the world
Jesus already came back, but we thought he was crazy
Nafta was made to create the amerio
We know about 9/1¹and let it happen
We are the biggest terrorist by the way of mcdonalds and coca cola
Aliens really do exist
Everyone really does need love, and any form is pleasing in God's eyes
Hilter was right
Slavery never happened
Progressives actually acted progressively, instead of just thinking in a progressive manner

What if...
Peace before all
Ashley

Friendship? (part 2)

In a previous entry, I detailed a bit of a maylay that interrupted a "friendship". Well it has come full circle. At least, in my mind it has. I guess with all thing expressing what you really feel is best, cause we all know "lies are bomb!"

Peace before all,
Ashley

And the struggle begins...

Due to certain circumstances(that began in the summer), I have found myself in a bit of a pickle. But like Howard Roark, in the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, I will go to the granite quarry to do the common man's work, not because I am force to, but because I would rather do simple work than let the work of my passion be in vain. So, I will work tirelessly in this granite quarry, I call my present, until I have the opportunity to build my Enright house of my passions.

BTW, I started boxing training today. It was the best, maybe it can help with some of the aggression that I have.


Peace before all,
Ashley

The only thing that is a mainstay is...chaos

As expressed in the chaos theory : (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_theory), the dynamic of chaos, the seemingly repetitive random occurrences are the only thing that can be depended on (besides love). In my life, with my addiction to change, chaos is the only thing that I have that is true and pure. When most believe chaos is a manic manifestation, I believe that chaos is a controlled and predictable randomness. That is what is meant, when I say controlled chaos, not that I control chaos, but the system of randomness that controls the universe, is dependable and constant.

Peace before all,
Ashley

Lies are Bombs: The Truth is a Bullet

Bell Hooks, in her book Bone Black, said Lies are Bombs. Lets take that one step further, if lies are bombs, than the truth is a bullet. Yes, the truth has a fierce sting, might even cause the spill of blood; but lies destroy the settlement of an existence, a relationship, a friendship. I rather the bullet of truth to rip in to the flesh of my pride , than the bombs created by lies to exist under the surface of a relationship, only to explode and destroy what I thought was real and true.

Peace before all,
Ashley

junk-a-phobia

I can not stand excessive "stuff"! Really, it is just not a need to be neat and tidy, but a quest to exsponge all the extra thing that are not necessary. So I finally moved into my new apartment and eventhough I already got rid of alot of stuff when I moved out of my old apartment, I still had the need to get rid of more stuff. Lucky, my phobia contribute to helping others, because I usually donate what ever I am trying to get rid of.

Peace before all,
Ashley

I am falling into "like", again

I fall into and out of "like" at a rate comparable to the speed of light. I like someone and I dig them to the "n" th degree (n being a immeasurable amount equal to a whole lot). I want to know everything about them; I want to be what they dream of; I want to fulfill them. But then, come the letdowns, and I fall right out of "like", sometimes faster then I fell into. This time it is different.I don't get impress many guys at all; I know their tricks. This guy, from the first time I saw him, I told myself, I think I can love him, and from me that is BIG. My quest to understand him has more effort behind it. Also, he lives hundreds of miles away. I just hope it all works out.

Peace before all,
Ashley

In Transition

So, I have decide to grow my hair naturally. I have taken the first step by putting twists in my hair until it grows long enough to start Sisterlocks. Sisterlocks are like traditional locks but thinner and can be started with some relaxed hair. I think I am making a good decision. I don't know why it is such a big deal, it is just hair, but there will be consequences. Unfortunately, employers might have some trouble with my choice of hairstyle. Hopefully, the merit of my work will outshine the style of my hair.

Peace before all,
Ashley

Friendship?

I always have trouble when it comes to friends, not that I don't have any friends, but the fact that I might me a tiny bit too nice. Friendships are harder than relationships sometimes, especially when you are friends with those uniquely eccentric or individuals with strong personality . Recently, I have had an interesting experience with an individual that could be deemed a friend. Several events took place that lead up to the downfall of our "friendship." Thus me being a person that wants everyone to like her (which is definitely a flaw) I preceded to engage in e-mail correspondence to try to smooth things out:

In this first part I was try to understand from the other person's stand point what happened during a very confusing event, when I wrote the following:
"I just want to know what happened, but firstly, I would like to state two character flaws of mine...I don't like not knowing something (though good in the realm of academia) and I don't enjoy the burden of malicious discord. Secondly, with that said, I hope you can lend me some type of support in cure to my two character flaws You may say to yourself how can I help. Well here we go... communicate a few details to myself to demystify a few things for me via any medium you may choose, ay... I also realized the metaphoric cake could be a precarious situation...I understand that, so maybe we can chat about that as well "

In response I received:
Hmm, what happened? Let me see, where do I start?You are a liar and a hypocritical son of a bitch, you know exactly what happened butch u set me up. But at the end of it all I'm still me. I am the last person that u want to cross paths with unfavorably, but u fucking did it.Hope it was worth it bitch it caused u our friendship!
Fuck u, fuck off, oh yeah and what goes around always comes back :-)

The following two emails were just me explaining to this individual that I am different, I want to befriend those I interact with as an act of a high order:

I have pure intentions but my rigid way of life may taint the former. I communicate with you until I feel it was fit, that my pure intention would not live on without the soil of mutual understanding. Friendship is not grade based on quantity of year but the quality of the foundation the friendship is built upon. This the corrupt reap the same... The non traditionalism reaps the same. Lines are blurred; "feelings" get mixed . So it is all finally out my system.
I am more concerned with the peacefulness and success of those I have interacted with in my life thus far then being present in their life. So we don't have to ever create any type of social interaction, but it would be best for me that I know that you are, how they say, OK.



I received a text questioning my intentions...why can't a person be actually concerned about her fellow man? Can she, inspite of circumstance, ignore the bad as social nearsightedness, and look toward a friendship of pure understanding. Most people that have the chance to interact with me, don't realize that i am different from anyone they will ever come across in a lifetime. I really try inspite of my sinful, mortal flesh to be the best human possible, so I can be a better friend. Maybe I am doing it wrong.

Peace before all,
Ashley

Oh shoot, I am a girl

While I was away
12/29/2008

I do things like girls are porjected to do. Just now, I thought of the sound of my first name and a boy's last name. I thought of naming my first son in his name. It was definitely a tyipcial girl moment, and those don't happen to often for me.

Peace before all,
Ashley

The Beautiful Genius

The Beautiful Genius

No aspiration to be a ten
That beauty is usually pretend-
Fake just for the entertainment of the gentlemen

I know the beauty of my intelligence and soul will permeate my skin setting off a
Luminous glow
Marking the beauty of a genius

Deeper than just appearance
Beyond the point of looks
Not just being able read, but also to be able to write books
The world is mine, the control I took
The oven of my mind bakes thoughts of hope, love, and passion
Reminds the guys of how their mother's cooked
Ground breaking- earthquake got the whole world shook
By the beauty of genius

Oh how I can hypnotize the men
With much more than how my body bends
Spark up minds and verbalization
That can flip the world as we know on end
Provoke Change
Dismantle naive mind frames
Make the stereotype of female seem strange
With the beauty of my genius

The typical girl and the beautiful genius there is a world between us
World of eye candy, fast money, faster dreams and hopes-
Weak career options and guys always wanting to poke,
Never taken serious always looked at as a joke
Clashes with a world of college credits, study hours, affluences, business powers, positions as a CEO
Things known to be associated with
The beauty of a genius

How I hate the glorification of the beauty of just the skin
No one ever honors or acknowledges the beauty that is within
I will begin
Maybe with the beautiful stories of the soul, some never told
Or songs written and sung by women that have dreams and needs
Stuff that makes all guys asks for a hand in marriage
On bended knee
All things induced by the true beauty of a genius
Explore the beauty within
Let the beauty of your intelligence and soul permeate your skin
Marking the beauty of a genius

A nice place to be...

Tears tickle from my eyes.
As I am consume by the fire,
Formed by the fraction of pleasures.
Smells of something new,
A feel of something remembered.
The sight of beauty moved by the streams of desire,
That run across the width of my back.
Purity abides here,
As if I was looking upon a child,
Filled with the birth right of innocence.
My deepest dream could never,
Depict this wonder among wonders.
Surrounded by things familiar and things new.
The sweetness of being here is more lovely than the sweetest fruits
So I will stay here forever
Loving every minute that passes