May I have my moment "the give-in" and more

It has been awhile. Summer came and went similar in a way to last summer; same scenarios with different actors. I must catch myself sometimes--- I give supremacy to others and forget the importance of me. Even at moments that I could be irate, disgusted, or offended, I still extract the guilt out of the situation to believe it is my fault. Why? I think it is easier to blame yourself (the only person you truly have control over) than to be disappointed and bestow the blame on others (even if, rightfully so).

Am I too nice ? A push-over of some sort? Should I nag and blast others with offenses? Yes, that sounds like a plan. It seems that those who do so seem to have a slight edge in the respect category. Hmmmmmm... sounds like a good thought.

Right now, I have like 1000 thoughts going through my head and 1000 more emotions attached to each thought. I know what I want. When I say that, I mean, I know what I want for everything! In a relationship, career,  and life in general. The feat is actually getting all that I want. Luckily, I understand this early and don't let the norm prescribe what I should do. If I did, I would be in a dead relationship with a guy I meet when I was sixteen, at a mid-size CPA firm making an okay salary ( about 68k), and be in the worst mood 24/7. I rather do it my way than the easy way.

Overall, stress for no reason is really messing with.... 5 month until I leave and looking forward to the change ( I pray for a change)

BTW I was hit by a car like a week ago... an update on that after I meet with my lawyer

Peace

Ashley

No Diva---But I Do Hustle

So here I go... it seems I have been a bit testy lately, and I know why. Objective Hate (there is a difference from regular hate).
So, I was listening to the Beyonce album and the song "Diva" began to play, this was prior to it being released as a single, and I was feeling the beat (produced by the same dudes that made "A Milli" by Lil Wayne). The songwriting on this song wasn't just horrid but false. When did a diva become the female version of a hustler? A diva is a diva, and a hustler is a hustler (female or male). Divas plays a particular role in the social scene: prissy, high maintenance, have high standard for the guys they choice to date (which actually good to a point), wear make-up to a 7:35 class and to the gym (most, not all), the image of having money is more important than actually having it (lease on a benz doesn't work...like HOVA said" own the whole like you should"), and a majority have a forced or fake attitude/temper problem (some b*tches are just plain crazy no matter what).

Let's discuss the last point, the forced or fake attitude/temper problem. I have dealt with "divas" all my life, I lived with one for 16 years (my lil sister). As I get older, this diva thing is getting out of hand. My main blame is Beyonce, Kimora Lee/ Baby Phat, and all the evil forces that made it cool to be an out of control, raving high maintenance "b*tch". Anywho, I say that the whole attitude part is forced or fake because once you are labeled or you proclaim to be a diva than one must maintain a certain level of diva-dom to keep the title of a DIVA...lol
I have seen too many fights and lost friendships because some diva-type "doesn't need [nobody] to help her, she done everything for herself, and that's that"

SMH A shame it is. This Diva epidemic is serious… young girls are being infected earlier and earlier…lol.

I am not saying someone who is a Diva can’t hustle (they do, small percentage,lmao), that is not true, but my qualm is inferring that you have to be a diva to hustle. NOT TRUE. See me …no diva; whole lot of hustling going on…

Anyway I can write forever, so I will stop now before I start saying things that offend people ( more so than I do on the usual, naw mean)


Peace.
Ashley.

The Economics of Relationship: how to get over an ex( Part VI )

The aftermath of Valentine's Day ( btw one of my favorite days). Many people celebrated yesterday like the joyous occasion it is, but many didn't. Why? Because many are harden and bitter from a recent relationship that failed.

The US Code provides an outline for individuals and businesses that become insolvent in the Bankruptcy Code (Title 11) of Chapter 7 (Chapter 13 for reorganization). This particular bit of law dictates the liquidating process of all assets and liabilities. Why do they need to file for bankruptcy, because their financial budgeting failed, as do relationships.

My Bankruptcy Code for relationship is not as detailed as the one provide by the government, it only has five steps.

• Valuation Test ( Pros/Cons of the Relationship[past or current])

If the Cons outweigh the Pros you have successfully identified and assessed your situation properly and can move on to step #2

• Interim trustee

This is some one that you usually won't date, or always want to date, or someone who is just alot of fun to be around. It might seem like you are using this person, but everyone has to serve a purpose,right. I recommend you go do something that your ex or person you are trying to forget would never let you do. If you always want to go ice skating or go to the movies or skydive---go ahead and just do it. You will experience the freedom of not being restricted --- enjoy that feeling, it is important for the next step.

• Slight Restitution

Now since this person is not in your life, you will have to get use to not having certain conveniences ( remember those Pros you listed in Step #1). Maybe he washed your laundry or she always cooked dinner for you...now since you have started this process you will have to do your own laundry and cook for yourself. Just remember the freedom felt during Step #2

• Liquidation

Finally, you have progressed to the point where you can start dissolving the entity that was a failed and stressful relationship and move towards something new. Remember the main principle of the Economics of Relationships (Part I): that all relationships thrive on the supply and demand of the marketable product offered by each party. If you are at the point of Liquidation, the demand for your marketable product has decline or even worse, gone to zero. Not to waste time or any other resource you MUST withdraw your product from this market (the relationship). How? Temporary cutoff of all contact (explained in Step #5) no phone conversation, texts, facebook,etc. Also channel all the energy you would have used in the relationship into something else...school, work, exercise...

• Reorganization

This code of relationship bankruptcy is so you, yes you, don't end up bitter and all strung out. So after you have liquidated properly, you can now reorganize you social interaction with this person with strict guideline defined by you. If you feel that you are falling back into the cycle , start the relationship bankruptcy process over, and spend more time on each step.

Peace before all,

Ashley

Lies are Bombs: The Truth is a Bullet

Bell Hooks, in her book Bone Black, said Lies are Bombs. Lets take that one step further, if lies are bombs, than the truth is a bullet. Yes, the truth has a fierce sting, might even cause the spill of blood; but lies destroy the settlement of an existence, a relationship, a friendship. I rather the bullet of truth to rip in to the flesh of my pride , than the bombs created by lies to exist under the surface of a relationship, only to explode and destroy what I thought was real and true.

Peace before all,
Ashley

I am falling into "like", again

I fall into and out of "like" at a rate comparable to the speed of light. I like someone and I dig them to the "n" th degree (n being a immeasurable amount equal to a whole lot). I want to know everything about them; I want to be what they dream of; I want to fulfill them. But then, come the letdowns, and I fall right out of "like", sometimes faster then I fell into. This time it is different.I don't get impress many guys at all; I know their tricks. This guy, from the first time I saw him, I told myself, I think I can love him, and from me that is BIG. My quest to understand him has more effort behind it. Also, he lives hundreds of miles away. I just hope it all works out.

Peace before all,
Ashley

Friendship?

I always have trouble when it comes to friends, not that I don't have any friends, but the fact that I might me a tiny bit too nice. Friendships are harder than relationships sometimes, especially when you are friends with those uniquely eccentric or individuals with strong personality . Recently, I have had an interesting experience with an individual that could be deemed a friend. Several events took place that lead up to the downfall of our "friendship." Thus me being a person that wants everyone to like her (which is definitely a flaw) I preceded to engage in e-mail correspondence to try to smooth things out:

In this first part I was try to understand from the other person's stand point what happened during a very confusing event, when I wrote the following:
"I just want to know what happened, but firstly, I would like to state two character flaws of mine...I don't like not knowing something (though good in the realm of academia) and I don't enjoy the burden of malicious discord. Secondly, with that said, I hope you can lend me some type of support in cure to my two character flaws You may say to yourself how can I help. Well here we go... communicate a few details to myself to demystify a few things for me via any medium you may choose, ay... I also realized the metaphoric cake could be a precarious situation...I understand that, so maybe we can chat about that as well "

In response I received:
Hmm, what happened? Let me see, where do I start?You are a liar and a hypocritical son of a bitch, you know exactly what happened butch u set me up. But at the end of it all I'm still me. I am the last person that u want to cross paths with unfavorably, but u fucking did it.Hope it was worth it bitch it caused u our friendship!
Fuck u, fuck off, oh yeah and what goes around always comes back :-)

The following two emails were just me explaining to this individual that I am different, I want to befriend those I interact with as an act of a high order:

I have pure intentions but my rigid way of life may taint the former. I communicate with you until I feel it was fit, that my pure intention would not live on without the soil of mutual understanding. Friendship is not grade based on quantity of year but the quality of the foundation the friendship is built upon. This the corrupt reap the same... The non traditionalism reaps the same. Lines are blurred; "feelings" get mixed . So it is all finally out my system.
I am more concerned with the peacefulness and success of those I have interacted with in my life thus far then being present in their life. So we don't have to ever create any type of social interaction, but it would be best for me that I know that you are, how they say, OK.



I received a text questioning my intentions...why can't a person be actually concerned about her fellow man? Can she, inspite of circumstance, ignore the bad as social nearsightedness, and look toward a friendship of pure understanding. Most people that have the chance to interact with me, don't realize that i am different from anyone they will ever come across in a lifetime. I really try inspite of my sinful, mortal flesh to be the best human possible, so I can be a better friend. Maybe I am doing it wrong.

Peace before all,
Ashley

A World of Emotions

Today, well the last few days, have been a composite of emotion, uncommon to the likes of myself. I try to stay at a even plane of peacefulness, but there are points were my plane starts fold in on itself, kind of like the space-time continuum when a object reaches the speed of light. Well, I had to move out of my apartment, for the reason of encroachment by my landlord, I am not a person to ask for help, but I did. And as usual, the people I rarely ask for help flake out on me. A sense of loneliness and worthlessness swept upon me like a tornado does to the plains of the Midwest. Why do people help everyone else but me? Am I not a nice person? Am I not good enough to be helped? As I ask myself these questions, I felt myself drifting further away from the human community with every second past, with every increase in my level of anger. I have always felt that the life I live is surreal. Dreamlike, I see and hear everyone else, but no one sees me, no one cares. I have no attachment, no anchor to this world. The anger that swelled inside me was inhuman, but it is just not today, but everyday. I might be struggling on the street with heaviest bags known to man, as I am known to carry several bags, but no one will even venture to ask to see if I need help. If I saw me, or any other person, I would ask. Have I done something wrong in a past life? Have I said the wrong words to my fellow man? Or maybe I don't projected to value to society that satisfies the requirement for being helped. So, I am alone, as usual. I value self, so there is no need to supply any anti-depressant or therapy sessions.


Peace before all,
Ashley.

I am figuring it out

Someday, I do sit and wonder about the world, how if certain events happened, or didn't happen-- how human social interaction would be completely different. Today was engrossed in the topics of homophobia and racism--two mechanism of blind hatefulness. I wondered what they were a result of; ignorance, yes, but that is a given. As I thought deeper, I discovered what was the source of these two social prejudicial mainstays.

Homophobia is the result of pure and unyielding vanity, especially those of the male gender. The thought that if this guy like man, and I am man, he must want me. This assumption fuels the erratic paranoia of homophobic. Truly, you must apply the same laws of attraction of heterosexuals to that of homosexuals. I am heterosexual; I am attracted to men, but not all men, and the same is true for a homosexual male (or female).


Racism is the product of insecurity and ignorance. When I say insecurity, it is deduced from the aggregate of racial inferiority. The fear that is discovered when it is realized that "a people" have certain traits, features, or characteristics that create a nexus of adaptability better fitting in the Darwinistic battle in the ever-changing terrestrial environment. Lies and falsehoods are substituted for reality and passed on as the truth, or the fact as stated by the laws of nature.


This are just thoughts, but I believe they applicable without too much of a stretch (really, no stretch at all).

Peace before all,
Ashley

The Many Things Associated to Sexuality: "Women in Porn"

Back to the topic on hand:
The Many Things Associated to Sexuality
This sub topic will be a "two-parter" composed of "Women in Porn" and "Women and Porn"

At first, I thought all women that took up employment in the adult industry was result of the unfortantue descent from modeling or acting, for the money (hard times and the rent is due), by the maniputlation of a man, or any other negative circumstance that you can impute, but some make a decisive move to start career, like any industry.

I was having a discussion with a young man that works for me. He made a point about how if he meets a porn star that he feels that he would be able to engage in a sexual act easiler than witha typical woman. Basically, there is negative connation, just not by him, but will most men even woment, that think since these women and men have sex for a "living" they would easily partake in these acts in their private life. I don't think it is the case. Actually, I would think they would be more prude because they are not getting paid.

Porn is not as easy as it seems. Check out this video interview on YouTube of Jazmine Cashmere:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMbLyS7CwGc. Think about this, you might have to have sex with someone you are not attracted to, there is alot of acting that needs to be done.

Peace before all,
Ashley

Running Away or...

Yeah, I noticed a trend. I am aways trying to get away. I am not scared of detachment or being alone without a safety net. Why? I don't know, maybe it is classic case of me trying to "find myself".

I really don't feel that I am trying to run away, but most others whom observe my daily doings interpret my actions as "running away." I feel I am running towards something--towards what? Again, I have no idea, but whatever it is, I know it is better to run towards it then staying put where I am presently.

I have no fear of change; I am deathly afraid of the snare of complicity and mediocrity

Peace before all,
Ashley

Quarter-Life Crisis

A BRIEF INTERRUPTION FROM OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULE PROGRAM

So I realized that I am going through a quarter-life crisis in a big way. I have cited that this crisis began about the time of my graduation from my undergraduate studies at the fine institute of St John's University (NY, North-Side Jamaica , Queens..lol) in May of this year.

You are probably wondering why I believe I am going through a quarter life crisis, well here are the reasons: since May I got three tattoos, a piercing (not a normal run of the mill piercing), wanted get my tongue pierced, moved out of my apartment, moved into another apartment, moved out of the second apartment, and I now I am moving again into another apartment, quit my internship that was going to lead into a lucrative full-time job, applied to Peace corp.,tried to learn Chinese, applied to get my Ph.D, thought about going to law school, cut my hair, cut my hair, again even shorter, I stop driving my car, wanted to get a motorcycle, tried to skateboard, wanted to move to Washington DC to work for the IRS, now finally, I want to move to LA to do who knows what...


Even though, I feel that I am a state of great flux, I feel in control of the chaos that has been recently attached to my persona.

Seriously, I will be moving to LA. Why? Who knows, like I said before. If I can live in New York and be okay, then I can live anywhere, right?

Peace before all,
Ashley