no meat, law of attraction, energy, and marathon running

I have to say the last two months of my life has been the best I have experienced in some time. The Earth is still moving in a perfect ellipse and hasn't changed--but I have. I look back on my earlier entries from past years and I see a change. A simpler life I had with less anger but so many questions. Now, I am in a space where I am very open. I have laid down my shield of anger and frustration; I am ready to put on my wings of anything and everything I desire. I want to fly to new heights despite the limits of my physical situation. I have this feeling of love and hopefulness. I have been reading a few books centered around the Law of Attraction and positive thinking. I wasn't a big fan of "self-help" books , but I found some real truth studying these subjects. Through my studying, I have found some peace--I still struggle but more time than not, I am happier. It has brought me to the point where I have stop eating meat, chose a better way of life (eat to live mind frame ) ,I want to run a marathon, and go back to school. I feel like I am on the edge of jumping off a cliff into the sky of greatness. The energy is a lovely feeling. I pray for this feeling for everyone and for it to continue in me.


Peace
Ashley

Oasis

The Sun is so pressing at times-- so I thirst. I thirst so incredibly, I search aimlessly to satisfy myself. A search that seems never-ending. The bronzing of my skin and the squint of my eyes are evidence of my quest.  I was getting use to the dehydration. But at least, water appears out of the dryness I call life---my oasis. I run. I kneel to gulp the water I ought to sip. Unwavered by the intoxication that soon to ensue, I drink and drink.
I look up for just a moment still feeling the heat and pressure from the Sun, but at this moment my thirst is satisfied. I think to myself, "is this how it will be, nomadic forever, traveling from one oasis to the next?" I stop thinking to enjoy my satisfaction. The satisfaction was so real,I drink until my oasis ran dry--just like everything around it. Damn... I thirst again. The push of the pressure of the Sun is strong, I move on. I vow never to stop at another oasis again; no matter how much I have the need to be quenched. I will walk and walk until I find an ocean to satisfy my thirst for a lifetime.

Your distance brings me peace...I think.

Direct eye contact-
You know the type that makes one's body react-
And a sparkle, a tangle ensues.
I haven't felt this feeling for months on end.
"Fight the urge, "
I said in my head,
Because you have dues and vows.
So my self-esteem and ego took a bow-
To act like I didn't want it would take a valiant performance.
It taunted us,
Well, me actually.
But, your distance brings me peace

Nevertheless,
This made me cry inside,
But you are good people.
So good,
When I first experienced you,
I felt as we were equals.
The sounds and vibrations were too loud-
So you said it was too much-
And we had to calm it down.
But you re-thought it,
And I revealed in the fact that-
Your distance brings me peace.

I think about riverside views,
And the moment when something beautiful is due.
Conversely, I am lost by not having these things-
And it just that "thing."
Can't quite put my finger on it.
Especially, when naked bodies and naked fingers,
Become the composition for the time-being.
It seems, your distance brings me peace.

My stomach drops to the pit of my core,
As I soar -
Up and down this roller-coaster,
Little too fast and high than I am use to.
Delighted-
Scared-
Excited-
Ashamed-
All wrapped into one.
A mutual understanding of
"Let's just make it fun."
No title nor label is drawn
But the feeling of comfort is born
So, you distance brings me peace-
I think.

I will be so faithful...

To the One I will love,

You beautiful creature-
Make me anew,
Make me love you,
Fulfill me,
Bring all the thrills of your World to me.
A command,
A demand,
A direct order, to order our soul-
In love in a universe where love seems not to exist.
I don't want us to just exist-
I want our union to persist past this-
All this that society throws at us-
Trust,
Trust is more than a plus-
It is our compass.
Our faithfulness to one another is our true and magnetic North,
And our water source.
Nourishment for a lifetime-
A foundation for two sound minds forming lasting pair.
I do dare-
Dare to say, all this is in the name of love.
Should I lend you a drop of blood, my left ring finger, or to bear a child-
To show you it's real?
When I see you-
I will then realize-
I will be so faithful


Peace before all,
Ashley

Don't Let Desire Rule You

Lost in thought as usual, I came across this random but important thought about desire. Desire! Desire, the yearning for pleasure... the need to be pleased. For what you desire, I have no reason to know but the fact you , I, we desire is my concern. You may say, "okay this will be a rant about how desire is evil and destroys the focus of the common human." I would calmly say, "No, no it isn't." Desire is good; it is motivation for most to get through the day. Like everything else, I believe there needs to be a balance. When sensory pleasures and emotional comforts rule our existence we will come across issues in our life. You may think of someone who is a drug addict but it can be as simple as someone who hooked to the instance gratification that a text message brings (you know the types that constantly need someone "hitting them up" to feel important... I have been a victim). Desire. Even our self image falls prey to desire. I am all for body modification (ok, ok I will say it, plastic surgery), but if the desire to enhance yourself surgically inhibits your self-esteem to foster--- we may have a problem on our hands. The desire to please, as well, can be an issue. Can I say, we all have been in situation that we try to impress someone so much that it took away from us caring about ourselves. Changing the way we dress, making sure the other person is more then comfortable when not concerning ourself, and the list goes on of other things we would do. Desire. Desire and our own well being were not balance. Desire was the ruler of the kingdom (queensdom) that is me, you, and all that become a victim to desire. Be conscience of your existence and don't let desire rule you. Peace before all, Ashley.

Everything for the first time

Pleasant or not-- a first time experience prompts growth. Lesson learned and understanding gain via a source. What is this source? For me, it's someone , but for you, it can be a world of things. If you notice someone always speaking about a time in their life or a person of their past--- that is their source. I am currently in my "everything for the first time" experience and it sucks big time. Then I realize it has to happen this way for it to never happen again. Make sense? Complete sense actually, a small child touch the stove while hot and burns herself-- she will never do it again becuase she understands the result. I am touching my stove and I am feeling the burning sensation that is numbing my body ,but more so, my emotions. After my emotions blister and peel-- I can start with new and stronger skin from being burned!
Peace
Ashley

Expiration date

You ever try to prolong the expiration date on a food product, lets say apples. You may try to put the apples in the 'fridge so they won't spoil. But have you experienced, when you try so hard to preserve these apples they still spoil , and may even spoil faster than normal. So it is true you can not manipulate certain things, experiences, events. I have said time and time again, I will not try to preserve these apple more than nature itself, but I fall in the trap, with the force of blind dependency blowing the wind under my wings. It is interesting how the human mind works. Interesting in deed, well how my mind works. As I shift away from having something I want, I try to have it more, even though, I am losing it. It is like wanting the shoreline while sailing away. Like wanting apples when they are past their expiration date.

Peace
Ashley

May I have my moment "the give-in" and more

It has been awhile. Summer came and went similar in a way to last summer; same scenarios with different actors. I must catch myself sometimes--- I give supremacy to others and forget the importance of me. Even at moments that I could be irate, disgusted, or offended, I still extract the guilt out of the situation to believe it is my fault. Why? I think it is easier to blame yourself (the only person you truly have control over) than to be disappointed and bestow the blame on others (even if, rightfully so).

Am I too nice ? A push-over of some sort? Should I nag and blast others with offenses? Yes, that sounds like a plan. It seems that those who do so seem to have a slight edge in the respect category. Hmmmmmm... sounds like a good thought.

Right now, I have like 1000 thoughts going through my head and 1000 more emotions attached to each thought. I know what I want. When I say that, I mean, I know what I want for everything! In a relationship, career,  and life in general. The feat is actually getting all that I want. Luckily, I understand this early and don't let the norm prescribe what I should do. If I did, I would be in a dead relationship with a guy I meet when I was sixteen, at a mid-size CPA firm making an okay salary ( about 68k), and be in the worst mood 24/7. I rather do it my way than the easy way.

Overall, stress for no reason is really messing with.... 5 month until I leave and looking forward to the change ( I pray for a change)

BTW I was hit by a car like a week ago... an update on that after I meet with my lawyer

Peace

Ashley

Ummmmm blank thoughtS

You ever wonder about your decisions you have made, not in a regertful manner, but in the manner which you try to recreate the moving emotions and reasoning behind the decision(s). There are a few decisions I have made that I wonder "how did (or what made) this begin?" why do I ask myself this, because if I can't explain it to myself , how can I explain it to others (remember my first post, my life is an open book). So I am left with blank thoughts, kinda like blank pages, knowing they should be filled, but not knowing to fill them with.

Peace.
Ashley.

Address the Haters

For all those who thought this was a rant about how people are "hatin on me" you were wrong. This note is to address the people who address the "haters" (i.e anyone who references the song "Hi Haters" or says "I need the haters to hate"). If you always have the sense someone is "hating on you" , even if in the classic sense...who cares! Be what you are about and keep it moving. If you have the motivation to always address the "haters", you need them more than they need you. By objectivism standards, you are a second-rater or second-hander. It is good to have a ego, but let it be based on what you have achieved or can do well, than be based on the shallow belief that someone else wants to be you or is crtical of your lifestyle. Be selfish based on you are being the best person you can be, and not selfless based on worrying about the people worrying about you.PeaceAshley.

Secret Obsession

That one person, no matter how many years past or horrid events occured, that one person just subsist. Subsit, the larking of thier scent in the air around makes you remember or hearing a voice similar makes you recall. When you remember or recall...you zone out to the highlights of the relationship. Most try to drown these thoughts out by saying negative things about the person, but you know if he or she calls you to invite you, you would accept with zeal. How do you get over it...find a new secret obsession. ;)

Peace.
Ashley

These are confusing times...

I am getting my life back on track, far as, the activity and fitness level via the vechile of charity race that are in the surplus during the summer months. The summer, the time for the summer fling or summer romance whichever way you want to word it. There are alot thing that are swirling in this little brain of mine. Going to the Army, my sister is going to college, my dad won't talk to me, trying to stay afloat financially, and wanting to be loved and give love.

If you remember, after my trip to Trinidad, I spoke alot of about how I found the perfect person to be with, but the issue that ,us being together is stopped by a large scope of land and water. Plus, I don't know if he feels that same way. For real, I touch this dude and it was like a life force shot through my body, I never felt that before. I just hope, if I can't be with him that he finds a nice girl to be with , to treat him right.

What's wrong and what's right. Ideals and your beliefs, seem like that they should be black and white, clear cut...but sometime there are not. I am in the process of overhauling my ideal that would rule the domain of my morals and values. I want to be consistent, that is important, to be consistent. Talking the talk, and walking the walk that you just talked about.

I am really just spitting out random bit and pieces. I am just trying to iron everything out.


Peace
Ashley

Aids 5k

Hey, it has been awhile. Craziness has Bern going on in my life, but things are starting to settle. Today, well a few moments ago, I ran a 5k race for aids and cancer research. This meant alot to me since I just found out that someone who means alot to me has the HIV virus. I am going to be truthful I really didn't train for this race, I was depending on the motivating factor of my close friend, which did help, but I should of trained. I am running again next week in boston. I will train this week!

Peace.
Ashley.

This is what it was, not is

For times are strange--
Remain unchanged.
Sameness is incurable--
Infectious is comfort--
Destorying creavity.
Made me leave for good--
Top, roof , hood--
I took off--
For all those not scare to not to conform.
I shoot down all things that brought ills and sickness--
Educate those who think gun play is cool--
Use discouragement as a tool.
The mircales of self expession
Relieves affects of all words that end in -ism, ignorance, and depression- both types
My thoughts really just suit me
Fit real nice
For tonight and forever
Why can we live soul and mind together?
Why be mindless?
Timeless is the thinking of a young man
Timeless is the protest, the platform, the jumping off point of a revolution
Check the history books
Not 100% accurate
But what is
This is by bloodline I give
This is what it was, not is

Make racism, HIV , and ignorance only something we read about, not an exeperience of reality

Peace.
Ashley

The day when New York is warmer than los angles

It is Saturday, the day after the best concert experience at st johns and overall: lupe and NERD. I rocked out heavy... Got to meet pharrell ... Was backstage and stuff. Today I was semi productive, get groceries, did laundry, went for a run...
Center of attention was placed on, me having my first feelings of doubt about going to the army. I would so badly love to be around music as my profession by some means, and thus I question my reasons for wanting to go to the army . Then I think about my need to leave and this is my vehicle, my vessal. Eventhough, I just heard back from the south Korea job last week. I just have to work though the shadow of doubt and use this vehicle to get to where I need to be. Where is that ? The establishment of freedom in my life: a wonderful place

Peace before all,
Ashley

>50%: the struggle to never be hurt or lose in the dating game

I do still believe in my doctrine that proffer in the "economics of relationship" but there are unsysmtemic risks ( business reference) in the dating world. Protecting yourself from these risks should never be done in vain. Well, despise the fact that most relationships don't get off the ground because of communication issues. Which is a problem for me. I believe I express my intention up front and invite that other person into my world , as try to be invited into theirs. But, if time after time things fall thru even when they are foolproof, than what can a girl help but not be disencouraged. So, as a rule of thumb I try not to give more than 50% in a dating situation. Make sense? Who know...

Peace before all,
Ashley.

A nice spring day with monk and miles

I have been away for a while... Over month. Why? I had alot of stuff to think about... And I thought! Thought my way into the army, yes , the US army. I know the war thing is popping off , but I defintely feeling this one of those decisions I am glad that I made when I look back on it.
Also, I glad I took time to think because I was becoming a bitter and angry person, someone I didn't want to be, ever. It is true that I don't have alot of this I want but I have everything I need.
This part of my life , the next 5-8 years, will be interesting and trying ... But I am ready , to get away.

Peace.
Ashley.

Up and Coming Superstar

Bitterness

I am waiting for the bus as usual it is not on schedule.

But that is not today's topic. The topic of choice is whether or not my opinion on the ills of American culture make someone who sounds bitter or into a " hater." Well I guess it is how you view the whole situation. If the "ills" of culture bring you comfort than I am a hater. If not, I make complete sense. I think bitterness comes with time , which I am not concerned with.

On another note:
My little sister got accepted to university of Hartford and got a scholarship. Congrats, Shelby! Love you !

I got it ( friendship? Revisited)

Have you ever wondered why you were friends with some people:Polar opposite, they get on your nervous, act up in public, or are the manifestation of something you secretly despise, but they are still someone you socialize with, even in the presents of "abuse", being ignored until needed, and wastefulness.

My case is the last option: the manifestation of something that I secretly despise. As you should know, since I am more forward with my opinion, I am personally warring against the image of the "diva" and all the trippings, but I socialize with many individuals that would be considered divas. Am I trying to destroy myself by dragging myself through the mudd of self-hate? No!! I think, I am trying to be fair, and try to understand the logic of the "diva." Problem is the diva usual-ness of pomp and circumstance deters the development of my understanding as the objectivist that I am. I can be wrong , my rationale and lifestyle, and the diva's means of living could be right, the lavishness and gloss ( Shine, baby girl, shine, but like too much Sun you can get burned)

I think about my " friends" and I am entertained by the pure sense that I go out of my way to be the complete opposite. I remember when I was in middle school and diva- ish friend give me all these recommendations in order to help me get a boyfriend. I keep my dress , hair, and mannerism the same, and got a boyfriend way before she did. It is funny!

I feel bad for socialize for the purpose of experimentation( not my sole purpose but one of the many), but how else would I be able to understand.

From business prospective , these diva type send lots of money, I need tap that market; markup handbag, overpriced shoes, maybe even super expensive underwear... But I am serious ... I can despise something , but the good in it all is making money.

I am being a hater? No, not at all. See, the individuals are fine, it is the symbol of the image of the diva that accepts being called a bitch and the wastefulness that is attached to my generation ( and the generation x'ers too ). Invest . Don't stop at being a hundred thousand-aire( why stop at good job); shoot to live off residual income , that is my goal :).

But I say all of this... To validate the energy use in socializing or wanting to socialize with some... This blog was really to work this concept around in my head; I think it make sense :).

So, if I told you to read this, what you think?

Peace.
Ashley