Saturday, January 31, 2009

Gun jumped... Same cycle

We all heard of the sayings, "too good, to be true", which is usually followed by " I will believe it, when I see it." And I am finding out these sayings speak volumes. Maybe, in your mind it might not be serious, but I suffer from the chronic disease of " getting my hopes up." Almost everytime( until recently, it used to be everytime), I get a feeling that someone will be an asset or sometype of contingency to my life , and they end up becoming a liability. I am to blame , I assume, over analyze, trust easily,etc. But luckily, so far I have "one" that has been the exception to the rule. Commonly , I have been disappointed, across the board.

Peace before all,

Posted by ShoZu

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Always one minute away from messing up my life , and thus... The struggle

Today, January 28,2009
Ashley Eden Meadows is offically destroying her, once set, life bit by bit. I am losing focus and being reckless ( in my context is different than the norm ). I need help? Yes. Will I ask for or allow someone to help me? No. Eventhough, I may complain about the struggle vividly, there is more joy in summiting the hill after the uphill battle when it done with your own strength. The struggle... for me, is at a all-time high. No breakdown, meltdown, or anything with the word down included. It is the mindframe that wins the battle. The thought that why complain now, it could be worse! And worse , it could be. A minute away, sometime several minutes away from throwing it all away. It is scary, but thrilling in the same sense. Risks and mistakes make life , life; they create interesting stories and experiences. Damn, but it still sucks. Wish me the best!

Peace before all,

Posted by ShoZu

Ashley's Talk...The Vernacular that is, oh so, Spectacular

I will fox with it-- I will deal with it or mess with or assoicate myself with it in some matter

It is a groove-- it is real smooth

The struggle-- life

You slacking-- you are not up to par

Bump That-- forget that or f*%k that

Bumping That-- playing music at a elevated level

It is was, what it is-- use as a suffix to things that you can't really explain

Peace before all,


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What if... The conspiracies

What if...
Osama is not real, but a robot
2012 is really the end of the world
Jesus already came back, but we thought he was crazy
Nafta was made to create the amerio
We know about 9/1¹and let it happen
We are the biggest terrorist by the way of mcdonalds and coca cola
Aliens really do exist
Everyone really does need love, and any form is pleasing in God's eyes
Hilter was right
Slavery never happened
Progressives actually acted progressively, instead of just thinking in a progressive manner

What if...
Peace before all

Posted by ShoZu

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Friendship? (part 2)

In a previous entry, I detailed a bit of a maylay that interrupted a "friendship". Well it has come full circle. At least, in my mind it has. I guess with all thing expressing what you really feel is best, cause we all know "lies are bomb!"

Peace before all,

Posted by ShoZu

Saturday, January 24, 2009

And the struggle begins...

Due to certain circumstances(that began in the summer), I have found myself in a bit of a pickle. But like Howard Roark, in the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, I will go to the granite quarry to do the common man's work, not because I am force to, but because I would rather do simple work than let the work of my passion be in vain. So, I will work tirelessly in this granite quarry, I call my present, until I have the opportunity to build my Enright house of my passions.

BTW, I started boxing training today. It was the best, maybe it can help with some of the aggression that I have.

Peace before all,

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The only thing that is a mainstay is...chaos

As expressed in the chaos theory : (, the dynamic of chaos, the seemingly repetitive random occurrences are the only thing that can be depended on (besides love). In my life, with my addiction to change, chaos is the only thing that I have that is true and pure. When most believe chaos is a manic manifestation, I believe that chaos is a controlled and predictable randomness. That is what is meant, when I say controlled chaos, not that I control chaos, but the system of randomness that controls the universe, is dependable and constant.

Peace before all,

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Lies are Bombs: The Truth is a Bullet

Bell Hooks, in her book Bone Black, said Lies are Bombs. Lets take that one step further, if lies are bombs, than the truth is a bullet. Yes, the truth has a fierce sting, might even cause the spill of blood; but lies destroy the settlement of an existence, a relationship, a friendship. I rather the bullet of truth to rip in to the flesh of my pride , than the bombs created by lies to exist under the surface of a relationship, only to explode and destroy what I thought was real and true.

Peace before all,


I can not stand excessive "stuff"! Really, it is just not a need to be neat and tidy, but a quest to exsponge all the extra thing that are not necessary. So I finally moved into my new apartment and eventhough I already got rid of alot of stuff when I moved out of my old apartment, I still had the need to get rid of more stuff. Lucky, my phobia contribute to helping others, because I usually donate what ever I am trying to get rid of.

Peace before all,

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I am falling into "like", again

I fall into and out of "like" at a rate comparable to the speed of light. I like someone and I dig them to the "n" th degree (n being a immeasurable amount equal to a whole lot). I want to know everything about them; I want to be what they dream of; I want to fulfill them. But then, come the letdowns, and I fall right out of "like", sometimes faster then I fell into. This time it is different.I don't get impress many guys at all; I know their tricks. This guy, from the first time I saw him, I told myself, I think I can love him, and from me that is BIG. My quest to understand him has more effort behind it. Also, he lives hundreds of miles away. I just hope it all works out.

Peace before all,

Saturday, January 17, 2009

In Transition

So, I have decide to grow my hair naturally. I have taken the first step by putting twists in my hair until it grows long enough to start Sisterlocks. Sisterlocks are like traditional locks but thinner and can be started with some relaxed hair. I think I am making a good decision. I don't know why it is such a big deal, it is just hair, but there will be consequences. Unfortunately, employers might have some trouble with my choice of hairstyle. Hopefully, the merit of my work will outshine the style of my hair.

Peace before all,

Thursday, January 15, 2009


I always have trouble when it comes to friends, not that I don't have any friends, but the fact that I might me a tiny bit too nice. Friendships are harder than relationships sometimes, especially when you are friends with those uniquely eccentric or individuals with strong personality . Recently, I have had an interesting experience with an individual that could be deemed a friend. Several events took place that lead up to the downfall of our "friendship." Thus me being a person that wants everyone to like her (which is definitely a flaw) I preceded to engage in e-mail correspondence to try to smooth things out:

In this first part I was try to understand from the other person's stand point what happened during a very confusing event, when I wrote the following:
"I just want to know what happened, but firstly, I would like to state two character flaws of mine...I don't like not knowing something (though good in the realm of academia) and I don't enjoy the burden of malicious discord. Secondly, with that said, I hope you can lend me some type of support in cure to my two character flaws You may say to yourself how can I help. Well here we go... communicate a few details to myself to demystify a few things for me via any medium you may choose, ay... I also realized the metaphoric cake could be a precarious situation...I understand that, so maybe we can chat about that as well "

In response I received:
Hmm, what happened? Let me see, where do I start?You are a liar and a hypocritical son of a bitch, you know exactly what happened butch u set me up. But at the end of it all I'm still me. I am the last person that u want to cross paths with unfavorably, but u fucking did it.Hope it was worth it bitch it caused u our friendship!
Fuck u, fuck off, oh yeah and what goes around always comes back :-)

The following two emails were just me explaining to this individual that I am different, I want to befriend those I interact with as an act of a high order:

I have pure intentions but my rigid way of life may taint the former. I communicate with you until I feel it was fit, that my pure intention would not live on without the soil of mutual understanding. Friendship is not grade based on quantity of year but the quality of the foundation the friendship is built upon. This the corrupt reap the same... The non traditionalism reaps the same. Lines are blurred; "feelings" get mixed . So it is all finally out my system.
I am more concerned with the peacefulness and success of those I have interacted with in my life thus far then being present in their life. So we don't have to ever create any type of social interaction, but it would be best for me that I know that you are, how they say, OK.

I received a text questioning my intentions...why can't a person be actually concerned about her fellow man? Can she, inspite of circumstance, ignore the bad as social nearsightedness, and look toward a friendship of pure understanding. Most people that have the chance to interact with me, don't realize that i am different from anyone they will ever come across in a lifetime. I really try inspite of my sinful, mortal flesh to be the best human possible, so I can be a better friend. Maybe I am doing it wrong.

Peace before all,

Monday, January 12, 2009

Oh shoot, I am a girl

While I was away

I do things like girls are porjected to do. Just now, I thought of the sound of my first name and a boy's last name. I thought of naming my first son in his name. It was definitely a tyipcial girl moment, and those don't happen to often for me.

Peace before all,

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Beautiful Genius

The Beautiful Genius

No aspiration to be a ten
That beauty is usually pretend-
Fake just for the entertainment of the gentlemen

I know the beauty of my intelligence and soul will permeate my skin setting off a
Luminous glow
Marking the beauty of a genius

Deeper than just appearance
Beyond the point of looks
Not just being able read, but also to be able to write books
The world is mine, the control I took
The oven of my mind bakes thoughts of hope, love, and passion
Reminds the guys of how their mother's cooked
Ground breaking- earthquake got the whole world shook
By the beauty of genius

Oh how I can hypnotize the men
With much more than how my body bends
Spark up minds and verbalization
That can flip the world as we know on end
Provoke Change
Dismantle naive mind frames
Make the stereotype of female seem strange
With the beauty of my genius

The typical girl and the beautiful genius there is a world between us
World of eye candy, fast money, faster dreams and hopes-
Weak career options and guys always wanting to poke,
Never taken serious always looked at as a joke
Clashes with a world of college credits, study hours, affluences, business powers, positions as a CEO
Things known to be associated with
The beauty of a genius

How I hate the glorification of the beauty of just the skin
No one ever honors or acknowledges the beauty that is within
I will begin
Maybe with the beautiful stories of the soul, some never told
Or songs written and sung by women that have dreams and needs
Stuff that makes all guys asks for a hand in marriage
On bended knee
All things induced by the true beauty of a genius
Explore the beauty within
Let the beauty of your intelligence and soul permeate your skin
Marking the beauty of a genius

Friday, January 2, 2009

A nice place to be...

Tears tickle from my eyes.
As I am consume by the fire,
Formed by the fraction of pleasures.
Smells of something new,
A feel of something remembered.
The sight of beauty moved by the streams of desire,
That run across the width of my back.
Purity abides here,
As if I was looking upon a child,
Filled with the birth right of innocence.
My deepest dream could never,
Depict this wonder among wonders.
Surrounded by things familiar and things new.
The sweetness of being here is more lovely than the sweetest fruits
So I will stay here forever
Loving every minute that passes