A World of Emotions

Today, well the last few days, have been a composite of emotion, uncommon to the likes of myself. I try to stay at a even plane of peacefulness, but there are points were my plane starts fold in on itself, kind of like the space-time continuum when a object reaches the speed of light. Well, I had to move out of my apartment, for the reason of encroachment by my landlord, I am not a person to ask for help, but I did. And as usual, the people I rarely ask for help flake out on me. A sense of loneliness and worthlessness swept upon me like a tornado does to the plains of the Midwest. Why do people help everyone else but me? Am I not a nice person? Am I not good enough to be helped? As I ask myself these questions, I felt myself drifting further away from the human community with every second past, with every increase in my level of anger. I have always felt that the life I live is surreal. Dreamlike, I see and hear everyone else, but no one sees me, no one cares. I have no attachment, no anchor to this world. The anger that swelled inside me was inhuman, but it is just not today, but everyday. I might be struggling on the street with heaviest bags known to man, as I am known to carry several bags, but no one will even venture to ask to see if I need help. If I saw me, or any other person, I would ask. Have I done something wrong in a past life? Have I said the wrong words to my fellow man? Or maybe I don't projected to value to society that satisfies the requirement for being helped. So, I am alone, as usual. I value self, so there is no need to supply any anti-depressant or therapy sessions.


Peace before all,
Ashley.

Running Away or...

Yeah, I noticed a trend. I am aways trying to get away. I am not scared of detachment or being alone without a safety net. Why? I don't know, maybe it is classic case of me trying to "find myself".

I really don't feel that I am trying to run away, but most others whom observe my daily doings interpret my actions as "running away." I feel I am running towards something--towards what? Again, I have no idea, but whatever it is, I know it is better to run towards it then staying put where I am presently.

I have no fear of change; I am deathly afraid of the snare of complicity and mediocrity

Peace before all,
Ashley

Quarter-Life Crisis

A BRIEF INTERRUPTION FROM OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULE PROGRAM

So I realized that I am going through a quarter-life crisis in a big way. I have cited that this crisis began about the time of my graduation from my undergraduate studies at the fine institute of St John's University (NY, North-Side Jamaica , Queens..lol) in May of this year.

You are probably wondering why I believe I am going through a quarter life crisis, well here are the reasons: since May I got three tattoos, a piercing (not a normal run of the mill piercing), wanted get my tongue pierced, moved out of my apartment, moved into another apartment, moved out of the second apartment, and I now I am moving again into another apartment, quit my internship that was going to lead into a lucrative full-time job, applied to Peace corp.,tried to learn Chinese, applied to get my Ph.D, thought about going to law school, cut my hair, cut my hair, again even shorter, I stop driving my car, wanted to get a motorcycle, tried to skateboard, wanted to move to Washington DC to work for the IRS, now finally, I want to move to LA to do who knows what...


Even though, I feel that I am a state of great flux, I feel in control of the chaos that has been recently attached to my persona.

Seriously, I will be moving to LA. Why? Who knows, like I said before. If I can live in New York and be okay, then I can live anywhere, right?

Peace before all,
Ashley