Oasis

The Sun is so pressing at times-- so I thirst. I thirst so incredibly, I search aimlessly to satisfy myself. A search that seems never-ending. The bronzing of my skin and the squint of my eyes are evidence of my quest.  I was getting use to the dehydration. But at least, water appears out of the dryness I call life---my oasis. I run. I kneel to gulp the water I ought to sip. Unwavered by the intoxication that soon to ensue, I drink and drink.
I look up for just a moment still feeling the heat and pressure from the Sun, but at this moment my thirst is satisfied. I think to myself, "is this how it will be, nomadic forever, traveling from one oasis to the next?" I stop thinking to enjoy my satisfaction. The satisfaction was so real,I drink until my oasis ran dry--just like everything around it. Damn... I thirst again. The push of the pressure of the Sun is strong, I move on. I vow never to stop at another oasis again; no matter how much I have the need to be quenched. I will walk and walk until I find an ocean to satisfy my thirst for a lifetime.

Your distance brings me peace...I think.

Direct eye contact-
You know the type that makes one's body react-
And a sparkle, a tangle ensues.
I haven't felt this feeling for months on end.
"Fight the urge, "
I said in my head,
Because you have dues and vows.
So my self-esteem and ego took a bow-
To act like I didn't want it would take a valiant performance.
It taunted us,
Well, me actually.
But, your distance brings me peace

Nevertheless,
This made me cry inside,
But you are good people.
So good,
When I first experienced you,
I felt as we were equals.
The sounds and vibrations were too loud-
So you said it was too much-
And we had to calm it down.
But you re-thought it,
And I revealed in the fact that-
Your distance brings me peace.

I think about riverside views,
And the moment when something beautiful is due.
Conversely, I am lost by not having these things-
And it just that "thing."
Can't quite put my finger on it.
Especially, when naked bodies and naked fingers,
Become the composition for the time-being.
It seems, your distance brings me peace.

My stomach drops to the pit of my core,
As I soar -
Up and down this roller-coaster,
Little too fast and high than I am use to.
Delighted-
Scared-
Excited-
Ashamed-
All wrapped into one.
A mutual understanding of
"Let's just make it fun."
No title nor label is drawn
But the feeling of comfort is born
So, you distance brings me peace-
I think.

I will be so faithful...

To the One I will love,

You beautiful creature-
Make me anew,
Make me love you,
Fulfill me,
Bring all the thrills of your World to me.
A command,
A demand,
A direct order, to order our soul-
In love in a universe where love seems not to exist.
I don't want us to just exist-
I want our union to persist past this-
All this that society throws at us-
Trust,
Trust is more than a plus-
It is our compass.
Our faithfulness to one another is our true and magnetic North,
And our water source.
Nourishment for a lifetime-
A foundation for two sound minds forming lasting pair.
I do dare-
Dare to say, all this is in the name of love.
Should I lend you a drop of blood, my left ring finger, or to bear a child-
To show you it's real?
When I see you-
I will then realize-
I will be so faithful


Peace before all,
Ashley

Don't Let Desire Rule You

Lost in thought as usual, I came across this random but important thought about desire. Desire! Desire, the yearning for pleasure... the need to be pleased. For what you desire, I have no reason to know but the fact you , I, we desire is my concern. You may say, "okay this will be a rant about how desire is evil and destroys the focus of the common human." I would calmly say, "No, no it isn't." Desire is good; it is motivation for most to get through the day. Like everything else, I believe there needs to be a balance. When sensory pleasures and emotional comforts rule our existence we will come across issues in our life. You may think of someone who is a drug addict but it can be as simple as someone who hooked to the instance gratification that a text message brings (you know the types that constantly need someone "hitting them up" to feel important... I have been a victim). Desire. Even our self image falls prey to desire. I am all for body modification (ok, ok I will say it, plastic surgery), but if the desire to enhance yourself surgically inhibits your self-esteem to foster--- we may have a problem on our hands. The desire to please, as well, can be an issue. Can I say, we all have been in situation that we try to impress someone so much that it took away from us caring about ourselves. Changing the way we dress, making sure the other person is more then comfortable when not concerning ourself, and the list goes on of other things we would do. Desire. Desire and our own well being were not balance. Desire was the ruler of the kingdom (queensdom) that is me, you, and all that become a victim to desire. Be conscience of your existence and don't let desire rule you. Peace before all, Ashley.

Everything for the first time

Pleasant or not-- a first time experience prompts growth. Lesson learned and understanding gain via a source. What is this source? For me, it's someone , but for you, it can be a world of things. If you notice someone always speaking about a time in their life or a person of their past--- that is their source. I am currently in my "everything for the first time" experience and it sucks big time. Then I realize it has to happen this way for it to never happen again. Make sense? Complete sense actually, a small child touch the stove while hot and burns herself-- she will never do it again becuase she understands the result. I am touching my stove and I am feeling the burning sensation that is numbing my body ,but more so, my emotions. After my emotions blister and peel-- I can start with new and stronger skin from being burned!
Peace
Ashley

Expiration date

You ever try to prolong the expiration date on a food product, lets say apples. You may try to put the apples in the 'fridge so they won't spoil. But have you experienced, when you try so hard to preserve these apples they still spoil , and may even spoil faster than normal. So it is true you can not manipulate certain things, experiences, events. I have said time and time again, I will not try to preserve these apple more than nature itself, but I fall in the trap, with the force of blind dependency blowing the wind under my wings. It is interesting how the human mind works. Interesting in deed, well how my mind works. As I shift away from having something I want, I try to have it more, even though, I am losing it. It is like wanting the shoreline while sailing away. Like wanting apples when they are past their expiration date.

Peace
Ashley

May I have my moment "the give-in" and more

It has been awhile. Summer came and went similar in a way to last summer; same scenarios with different actors. I must catch myself sometimes--- I give supremacy to others and forget the importance of me. Even at moments that I could be irate, disgusted, or offended, I still extract the guilt out of the situation to believe it is my fault. Why? I think it is easier to blame yourself (the only person you truly have control over) than to be disappointed and bestow the blame on others (even if, rightfully so).

Am I too nice ? A push-over of some sort? Should I nag and blast others with offenses? Yes, that sounds like a plan. It seems that those who do so seem to have a slight edge in the respect category. Hmmmmmm... sounds like a good thought.

Right now, I have like 1000 thoughts going through my head and 1000 more emotions attached to each thought. I know what I want. When I say that, I mean, I know what I want for everything! In a relationship, career,  and life in general. The feat is actually getting all that I want. Luckily, I understand this early and don't let the norm prescribe what I should do. If I did, I would be in a dead relationship with a guy I meet when I was sixteen, at a mid-size CPA firm making an okay salary ( about 68k), and be in the worst mood 24/7. I rather do it my way than the easy way.

Overall, stress for no reason is really messing with.... 5 month until I leave and looking forward to the change ( I pray for a change)

BTW I was hit by a car like a week ago... an update on that after I meet with my lawyer

Peace

Ashley